Ugandan Immigration officials are vexed by the romances sprouting all over the place between Chinese men and Ugandan women. They tried to explain to unimpressed Members of Parliament that many Chinese they pounce on for illegal entry end up producing their marriage certificates to Ugandan women.

And what is more, not only have most of them already produced children in Uganda, many have gone ahead to father up to three babies with their Ugandan wives.

Compared with the policy back home that for four decades only allowed each Chinese adult half a child (with each couple allowed only one child) on average, three kids is a big achievement. But the unsmiling MPs were unmoved, blaming the Chinese for taking away jobs and engaging in petty trade, a song common in other African countries as well. 

However, in Uganda, when you talk of jobs most people think of being given a chair and a desk in an office. That is why when we describe somebody’s duty station, we say that “s/he sits at” and not “s/he works at,” because to us work connotes sitting down. We are not too keen on rolling up our sleeves and getting our hands dirty.

I know of a young lady who on leaving university started a thriving food kiosk, but her relatives ganged up, saying she was embarrassing their name, and got her a job in a bank where she earns about a tenth of what she was making in the food trade.

So I have a formula to help a foreigner who wants to make a fortune in Uganda to avoid being accused by us and our politicians of “taking away our jobs.”

Once you have identified a good investment opportunity, go ahead and build a big long office block and put in 240 desks, then advertise jobs for “management executive trainees” and select two applicants from each of our about 120 districts, one male, one female.

Install a powerful Internet server and give each “executive assistant” a computer terminal. Let them start “work,” doing whatever they want on the Internet. Pay each the equivalent of $50 per month and forget about them. They won’t complain. Then get a few serious people to do the real work, some from here in Uganda and others from your country. That way, nobody will accuse you for denying the locals jobs.

This strategy should work well if you are in strenuous activities like mining and manufacturing. It is also perfect for farming since most of our educated people are allergic to the soil, and this includes agriculture graduates.

Bring in your people and with a few willing locals, they can till the land, tend the crops and animals, handle the harvest while the privileged 240 dressed in smart suits and dresses, are busy playing on their computers and chatting away on social media, waiting for closing time to be picked up by friends and suitors to go for the next “proggie.”

With this approach, your people don’t have to enter into marriages with women they don’t know and who cannot cook their staple dish. And what I have said is applicable to most African countries. But I can only safely say it about Uganda because nobody can deport me from here.

Joachim Buwembo is a social and political commentator based in Kampala. E-mail: [email protected]