Avoiding idiocy and being real about our political health

At the stroke of the exact time I am supposed to wake up I was awake, and at the exact time I usually climb out of bed. I climbed out of bed, jumped to the washroom, fast-tracked all the usual matinal protocols — toothbrushing, showering, shaving and slipping into my clothes — all in record time, and soon I was on the phone to my GP, telling him I wanted to see him at my place.

Though my morning call did not betray a sense of urgency, when my GP friend arrived at my home, he cut to the chase by asking me rather quickly what the matter was. When I replied that there was nothing the matter with me, he was rather taken aback.

“Are you sure you are okay, you have nothing to report about your health?”

“You see, Doc, I woke up this morning feeling like a billion shillings. I feel so well that I do not remember the last time I felt this way. I am in tip-top form, fit as a fiddle, whatever than means, and in full enjoyment of life as it is.”

I could see that my friend was puzzled.

“So why do you need to see me?“ he asked, quizzically scrutinising my face with his thick-lensed spectacles.

“It’s all very simple,” I replied. “Today I feel so great that I want you to tell me what I owe my good health to, and, more importantly, to tell me what you think, after examining me, what health risks might threaten this feeling of happiness and vitality that I enjoy today.”

Though he was hardly buying into what I was telling him, my GP took everything in his stride and proceeded to do the initial light checks on temperature, heartbeat and pulse, etc. etc, and gave me instructions to visit a clinic where more detailed checks would be done.

After a week he confirmed that I was indeed right to feel so happy because all the detailed studies of my body had revealed that I was indeed justified in my happiness.

At the same time, however, the tests had shown that I was not totally out of the woods for the future, because there were indications I could be slightly tending towards obesity; my bones were getting softer and my cholesterol was on the high side.

He prescribed a few drugs, plenty of fresh air, litres of coconut juice, a lot of walking and plenty of sunshine, all of which came down to taking a holiday and did not cost anything.

I want to suggest here that we do that kind of thing on a regular basis as a nation, that is call our GP to come see us when we are not ill, to ask them what might threaten our health in the near future, and how to avert it.

As nations we are in no scarcity of GPs to counsel us in matters political, economic, social, cultural, environmental and so on; all we need is to know which ones to consult, and this is where we get it all wrong, either by relying on those GPs who agree with our view of ourselves instead of giving us proper advice based on a thorough examination of our current and future (possible) ailments. Or by relying on sangomas.

A lot of what we are given by these GPs will be subjective, for sure, but there are a few rules by which every polity can set its policies and actions, and they are almost immutable:

First, be real. Your people know you and they know a fake when they see one, so do not play games with them.

Second, do not carry out masquerades of elections where you want to deceive people that they are choosing their leaders when you are actually choosing their rulers for them: they will find out soon enough, and they will kill you.

Third, do not invest too much in idiocy, hoping that an idiotic population cannot rise against an unjust ruler: Yes, they can rise against such rulers, and the problem is once they do, they can hardly tell the thief from the honest person, so how safe are you?

Fourth, whatever you do, however clueless you are in finding solutions to your people’s problems, do not steal from them, for if you do, they will curse you as a thief and a scoundrel forever.

Fifth, beware the young people, for they are the majority of your people and they will be here long after you are gone, and their memory will stand in judgement over you for a long time to come.

Sixth, remember you are not necessarily the smartest of your cohort, and the next person to you might have been much smarter than you. So, tread carefully, and be humble, for you are really only one of the luckiest fools.

Seventh, keep your GP close, not your sangoma.

Jenerali Ulimwengu is chairman of the board of the Raia Mwema newspaper and an advocate of the High Court in Dar es Salaam.