The State of East Africa Report 2012 (SoEAR) is upon us. The good people at the Society for International Development (SID) East Africa who have been doing the SoEAR since 2006 are launching it at the Hilton Hotel in Nairobi next Wednesday.

I got an early review copy of the SoEAR2012 — with a warning that if I spilled the beans, I would be banished to a desert island.

I am not good at obeying diktats, and I am not about to begin.

I had a blast reading it. SoEAR2012 is nearly twice as long as previous ones. This time the graphs and charts are in 2D and in funky colours — allowing for starker comparisons between countries.

When you spread yourself farther than usual as SID has done with this year’s report, you are likely to injure the feelings of patriots in the region.

Some of the data is not good for national egos. For example, Kenya consumes more oil than all its other other East African Community partners put together. That tells you a lot of about the other EAC countries.

Looking at some of the graphs, you figure that being as small as Rwanda and Burundi can sometimes be a curse.

Still, in several cases tiny Rwanda makes its partners stink. It will be interesting to watch the expressions on the faces in the room when the report is being presented.

It’s always good to rattle the rulers, so there are some things I would love to see in future reports that have not yet been included so far.

For example, there are all sorts of groups and institutions who measure freedom of expression, media freedom, and political freedom.

I would love to see a comparison of EAC countries in this regard.

Also, these days there are gross national happiness (GNH) measures. Which country, I wonder, is the happiest in East Africa?

All our countries, and the UN, CIA, etc produce crime data. Which is the most criminal nation in East Africa?

Seven years ago, I looked at official crime data from Kenya, Tanzania, and Uganda, and the picture was interesting — it shattered all the stereotypes most East Africans have about their neighbours.

Thus while you were more likely to be raped in Kenya, your child was most likely to be defiled in Uganda, and your cow and bicycle were more likely to be stolen in Tanzania!

We know, for example, that Ugandans have the highest calorie intake not just in the region, but its among the top in Africa.

How well, though, does it convert the calories? Are Ugandans the tallest people in the region?

To stir controversy, some Durex studies will shed light on the region’s sex habits.

Which is East Africa’s most promiscuous nation, and why? Nine years ago, some data suggested that Kenyan men cheat on their partners most in East Africa. Also, that Ugandans downed the most booze.

And if SID wants to cause war, it should add just this one category to its report in future: Which country has the most beautiful women in East Africa?

We would attend the launch of the report containing that gem wearing helmets and flak jackets.

Charles Onyango-Obbo is Nation Media Group’s executive editor for Africa & Digital Media. E-mail: [email protected]. Twitter: @cobbo3