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No Black Russian babies, hey? Carry protection

Monday June 25 2018
fan

A Senegalese fan poses outside the Ekaterinburg Arena ahead of the World Cup Group H football match between Japan and Senegal on June 24, 2018. PHOTO | AFP

By ELSIE EYAKUZE

Hello fellow sporting enthusiasts! Do you know that there is a massive international sports event going on right now? Yeah.

It also caught me by surprise but with enthusiasm! It’s like, how does that even happen when Fifa World Cups are four years apart? Nobody can be surprised by them unless they cultivate an exquisite ability to not know anything about the glorious game of football.

This is an art I have not been perfecting for decades. Shedding all overheard football commentary wherever you go? Not me. Becoming surprisingly deaf in public transportation and bars and clubs? Not me. Forgetting jersey colours and the nationalities of excellent players coming up in the world? I wouldn’t.

As a 1980s kid I think I worshipped Pele. Pretty sure someone told me that. What I know is that he is from... um... Brazil? Wait, let me try again. He is from Argentina. [No, Elsie, he’s from Brazil, Ok? – Ed] He probably has a last name but we will never know [Edson Arantes do Nascimento, Duh] and thanks to him now every star is a single name celebrity. Madonna. Maradona. Now there is a bunch of people with C names and questionable haircuts. Caramel. Cristiano. Kombucha.

This year Russia is holding the World Cup. Hosting is not a strong enough term for Mother Russia. Speaking of hosting, I was completely under the impression it was being held in Qatar because of all the articles about the slave labour being used to build stadiums and infrastructure. This was distracting in a social justice kind of way.

Also, Fifa-related matters have not quite registered since the one in South Africa where they flew a Boeing 747 over the stadium during the opening ceremony, which was the most superbly awesome display of aerial folly. And the vuvuzelas...

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What? Right. Russia. Football. Very good public relations for the glory of Putin’s Russia. Oh, but they don’t want Africans wooing none of their delicate white ladies and leaving Black Russian babies behind, said a legislator.

Ah, nothing like the racist haters to make fans feel welcome during your transparent attempt at rebranding yourself as a modern and progressive dictatorship. Travel advisory: Carry protection.

What’s that? Yes, we are talking about sports and its power to bring all people together since. Well. Serena Williams? I was minding my business while occasionally worshipping at the altar of the Greatest Athlete when I watched a Roger Federer interview. When they asked him what it felt like to be the greatest tennis player in the world, he got a bit upset and said the title belonged to Serena. Which ignited a glow in my heart.

Like the 15 men a side who play for the pride of their country in the World Cup. Oh, is that rugby? I meant the 11-strong squads of football dudes who clash like titans to win the torch! Hmm. That might be the Olympics. By the way where are the next Olympics being held?

Right. Football. Russia. Focus. Eyes on the prize and all that. So does the winning team get a prize or does Fifa keep all its shillings to buy nice suits for its corrupt committee?

Has that old dude retired by the way, the one who was there forever? It is important to follow the most glorious game in the world and especially the designs and specifically the fit of the Kenyan Rugby Sevens team. Fellow sporting enthusiasts, we got this! Jokes aside, happy World Cup 2018. Ole Ole Ole Ole.

Elsie Eyakuze is a consultant and blogger for The Mikocheni Report. Email: [email protected]

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