There were birds outside her window. Well, there were always birds outside her window, but this time, they were right outside.

Chirping sweet melodies, calling back in perfect harmony to others far off in the trees that dotted her neighbourhood. Crystal clear, happy sounds announcing dawn.

“Really?” Leanne sighed internally. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to fall back asleep. But when her alarm went off, she was waiting for it, dreading the sound.

“I should change that tone,” she thought for the umpteenth time this month. She knew she wouldn’t as she rolled over and turned it off.

Snooze… That sound again, and again and again. Until it was impossible to snooze just once more, because she was already late.

“Just great…the usual,” she tried to lecture herself as she rushed into the shower, why did she keep doing this, it was nonsensical. Yet a part of her mind knew she’d do it again tomorrow.

“I mean, I was awake before my alarm went off,” she thought as she hurriedly dressed.

Then she was in her kitchen making coffee to go and retrieving her pre-packed breakfast snack because she was late every morning and now expected it. It was slowly becoming a “thing.”

“Oh, I never have time to eat in the morning…”

She sat in the usual traffic of late-starters and inched forward as she sipped on her coffee, scrolled through her phone, checked what was on the radio, anything to distract herself from the overwhelmingly mundane existence that sitting in rush-hour traffic is.

Pulling up to her place of work, Leanne slipped off her driving sandals, slipped on a pair of heels, grabbed her laptop bag, files and handbag and rushed into her office.

“You’re late,” a familiar voice said behind her.

Leanne took time to slowly roll her eyes before turning around; must they always play this game?

“Yes Gerry, I know, I’m sorry but there was…”

“Traffic,” he cut her off rather rudely.

Okay. So she was late a lot, well, almost every day to be more precise. But was the aggression necessary?

“Screw you,” she thought, but it wasn’t as satisfying as she knew it would be if she said it out loud. She didn’t want to rock the boat, did she? So instead she took the crap she knew she’d never take if her job wasn’t on the line, and watched him smugly walk away.

“Paperwork, aaarggh!” she almost banged her head in frustration on the thick piles of paper waiting for her on her desk.

Lunchtime. Mingle. Smile at people you’ve no choice but to be around. Make small talk. Feign interest in personal stories, so and so’s dog learnt a new trick, this one’s nephew turned one.

Make sure to “ooh” and “ahh” appropriately, at photos of puppies, kittens and especially babies.

Back to the paperwork

“Did this multiply while I was eating?” Leanne questioned her sanity as she sat back down. It had been a harder than usual lunch, more overly friendly offers to share a table than usual, more talkers than usual…

Massaging her temples and mentally preparing herself for the imminent onslaught of boredom, a shadow at the window caught her attention.

There it was again. Leanne got up and went over, only to witness a hawk in a mesmerizing dance in the sky. It swooped and circled, dived and twirled, it spread its magnificent wings wide and held them still, a regal statue, then folded them and dropped like a rock to the ground.

But not quite, at the very last second with an ability that was innate, it seemingly “kissed” the ground, then was airborne again; a prize for its valour clearly clutched in its claws.

“Wow,” she thought, “would I dive like that, even if I could?” She was drawn to the freedom, the strength and most of all, the take-charge attitude. Wanting something and just going for it. But what did she want?

“Not this…”

It was the quiet dissident dreamer in her head. The one who’d whispered many times to her to follow her heart, the one she’d managed to quieten over time with routine and not following her dreams.

Her discontent was obvious even to her, but the fear of diving and hitting the ground, well, better the devil you know…

“So you come in late, then spend your day taking breaks?! I want that work on my desk by the end of the day.”

Gerry again

“Breathe, Leanne, breathe…” she willed herself to be calm, allowing a stream of choice cuss words to flow through her mind at the same time. Then out of nowhere, a boldness came over her and she spun round, intending to give him a piece of her mind, albeit maybe a small one, but he was walking off, his retreating back the object of her angry mumbles.

Huffing with frustration, Leanne paced up and down by her desk.

Righteous indignation was slowly replaced by a very familiar acceptance; “This is just how things are.” Then she sat down and didn’t look up until it was dark out. She shut her computer, packed her things up, dropped the completed work on Gerry’s desk with a loud insult now that the office was empty, and headed home.

Dinner, a bit of television, some surfing the web, prepping her breakfast for the next day, she went through the usual paces of her evening routine on auto-pilot. Then it was time for bed, finally the day was over.

“You need a break, a change…” there was that voice in her head again, “you can’t live life like this…”

“Well what should I do then?” Leanne challenged back, “Quit? Then what would I do with my life, huh?”

“Go after your dreams, you’re talented and you’ve always wanted to start…”

But Leanne had already shut off, ignoring the words she knew were true, because change was scary too. So she squeezed her eyes tight and slowly dropped off into a dreamless sleep…

A chirp. A tweet. A cacophony of sounds. Morning, time to do it all over again.

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