Dear Mother,

I am waiting to go to court this afternoon. I have been charged with the murder of a girl. I do not have as much time to write as I would have done if I were left to my own devices.

I don’t even have enough paper to write down everything in my heart, and I have to be quick so that noon, which is only an hour away, finds me done.

Mother, I remember how Father Francis always told us that people do not die. That it is the body that dies but the spirit lives on forever.

I wish your spirit was watching over me, Mother. You were a good person and you should still be alive.

Since the day I was told you went into the sleep that people never wake up from, I have gone through hard times.

And now, I don't want to continue living in this world. I want to come to where you are, Mother. That place may be better than here.

Mama Jacky and her daughter have made tears draw permanent lines on my cheeks. She makes me wash their clothes and clean the house. I do all the housework while they sit around and mock me and call me names.

Every day they make me miserable, even when I try to put on a smile.

Dad left for the city and rarely comes home anymore. Whenever he does, Mama Jacky treats me well. But what difference does it make? She forces me to pretend that they are usually good to me. If I fail to do so, as soon as Dad leaves I am beaten to a pulp. Mother, why did you leave me behind?

Two weeks after you were put into the ground beside the big house, Mama Jacky called out to me. She wanted to send me to the market.

"Yes, Mama," I responded and ran into the house.

She was standing in the middle of the living room, hands akimbo.

"What did you just say?" she asked me.

Seeing no offence, I repeated, "Yes, Mama."

I use the word Mama on any woman old enough to be my mother. I was wrong, Mother.

Mama Jacky slapped me hard on my cheeks. When I later checked in the mirror, the imprint of her palm was still on my cheek.

She then pushed me outside the house, saying, “I am not your mother. Do you know where your mother is? Your mother is over there."

She pointed to the cemented platform on the left side of the house.

Mother, on that day, after my chores, I came and sat on the platform and cried. When she saw me crying, she laughed at me and said that I was crying over spilt milk.

"Will you get food from the grave? You think she will come out and protect you? Get out of there and help Jacky with her homework," she mocked.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you who Mama Jacky is and how she came to be in the house.

One and a half weeks after you departed from us, Father came home with her. And with Jacky too. It was late at night when he parked his car in the garage. I ran outside to welcome him as I used to do.

Hii ni kitu gani? (What is this thing?) she asked Father. Since the day she came, my life has been trying.

The week she came was the last time I stepped a foot in school. The only place I am allowed to go is to church, and only on the days she says so.

Recently, Mama Jacky bought a pet puppy. I am the keeper of the pet. She said she was employing me to look after it when she brought it home.

I have to ensure it eats regularly and is always clean. I have to wash it the way you used to wash me in the yard before I was six years old.

One time I was going into the kitchen and the puppy was on its way out. I kicked it by mistake and. Jacky heard the puppy yelp. It was around midday. Jacky was outside riding her mountain bike. She ran to her mother and told her that I was kicking Sadam, the puppy.

I was told to lie down flat on my tummy. She beat me on my legs, my hands, my buttocks, my head, everywhere. If it was not for the neighbours, she would have killed me. My clothes were soaked in blood. That day, I was denied lunch.

On my way to the village well one evening, Mama Sam offered me boiled sweet potatoes. I could not resist the offer as I was very hungry. I ate quickly, looking around to ensure that no one was watching. Then it all came to light when Mama Jacky and Mama Sam quarrelled a week later.

Our cows had wandered into Mama Sam's garden and eaten the vegetables. Mama Sam said that Mama Jacky was so irresponsible that she couldn't even feed her step-son. Mother, you can imagine what happened to me that day. I wish I had the space to tell you.

Mama Jacky tells me that my presence makes her sick. I never understood what she meant until the day Jacky died. Mother, I was the one supposed to die. And I wish I had because we would now be together.

Mama Jacky had sent me to fetch firewood like she always did, even though there was more than enough in the kitchen already.

I went because if I didn't or if I questioned her I would have been beaten thoroughly. I made about four trips to the forest. About an hour later, after the last trip, she told me that my lunch was ready in the kitchen.

I hurriedly went for it. Beef stew and chapati! I couldn’t believe it. It is not every day that Mama Jacky gives me such food. When she cooks beef, the most I get is the soup.

Something told me that this food was meant for Jacky and was only supposed to whet my appetite before the owner came for it. Hungry as I was I did not give it much thought. However, just when I was about to start eating, Jacky dashed in and snatched the plate away from me.

“This is my food. Since when did you start eating beef here?”

I could do nothing. Not even say a word because I knew Mama Jacky was outside. I walked out. Mama Jacky was not where she had been a couple of minutes before.

While I looked around, I heard Jacky groan loudly once and then she coughed. I went back inside to see what was happening. The girl was on the floor shaking and...

Oh! Mother, Jacky was no more. The food had been poisoned. Mama Jacky came running in but it was too late.

"You killed my only daughter! He killed her!" she shouted.

I tried explaining but all was in vain. The police came for me. By then I could do nothing but cry. They brought me here.

Mother, my time is up. I am being told that Daddy is here with a lawyer who will convince the judge that I am innocent. The man is telling me to stop crying, that everything will be fine, and I will be out soon; and that I will be taken to a safe place. A new home, he says.

I have to stop here.

Goodbye, Mother.

Your loving son.